At Eikon Church we’ve been doing a series called “XOXO – Friends, Flings, & Relationship Things.” We’ve been spending the past few weeks talking about everything from marriage to dating to sex, and last week we took your questions. As I prepared I realized really quickly that we wouldn’t quite have the time to answer all the questions, so we decided to take to the blog to field a few more of the questions here. If you missed any of the weeks, make sure to go back and watch what you missed here.

So you thought marriage was going to be easy and awesome? You thought it’d fix all your insecurities? You thought you’d never fight? And you definitely thought your sex life would leave your mind in a perpetual state of explosion? Well, our next question doesn’t pull ANY punches…

I’m married and my sex life sucks, what do I do?

I’ve talked to so many newly wed couples that thought, “Okay, I did this dating thing right. We stayed pure, because someone told us ‘purity paves the way to intimacy.’ We saved sex for marriage. And the church AND culture said that sex was good, that it was awesome. But then I got married… and it wasn’t.” I’ve had guys come to me and say, “I waited until marriage before we had sex… then I got married, and I still wait to have sex.”

There are other couples that have countless regrets when it comes to sex. They’ve been hurt, they’ve been abused, they’ve had sex with people they don’t even know and they live with that pain and that regret.

There are girls that have talked to Kelly, my wife, and talked about how sex might be painful, or not as enjoyable as people had talked about. We’ve talked to all kinds of couples who’ve had sex lives that are less than ideal. First of all, it’s normal, you’re not weird, you’re not alone, and it IS fixable.

A few tips (non-married people, just remember these things)…

What you’ve been exposed to may not be reality.

Ladies, all those romantic comedies you’ve watched through the years may have tainted your expectations. He may not spoil you everyday like you think he’s “supposed to.”

Men, the things you’ve been exposed to, or the things you’ve exposed yourself to… can I be honest and a little blunt? She’s probably not going to be walking into your office every day wearing nothing but a trench coat and throwing everything off your desk to have her way with you. She’s not going to show up to “deliver a pizza” and end up swinging off the chandelier.

I know we laugh, but honestly what we’ve seen and things that are said sometimes just aren’t true. I honestly left on my honeymoon half wondering why we were spending the money to go someplace nice. I figured all the scenery we’d be seeing was the inside of a hotel room for a week. I didn’t exactly expect for my new wife to be experiencing so much change that one day while we were out and about, we actually got into an argument and she ended up crying about how her last name was changing. Needless to say I was a little confused. How I processed change and how she processed change was vastly different.

Next… Communicate, communicate, communicate!

If you’re not having sex as much as you’d like, or you feel that there are negative perceptions about sex or things you’re feeling pressured to do you feel uncomfortable about for WHATEVER reason… Talk about it.

Talk about what you like, what you don’t like, what feels good and what doesn’t. How often you’d like to have sex… I’m serious, talk about it. I know it can be awkward at first, but this is such an important part of marriage it can’t be ignored.

Lastly, your job as a spouse is to either love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it or to submit to your husband as we as followers of Jesus submit to his Lordship. As we do this… as we mutually serve and submit to each other, we’ll find joy and freedom and love.

Serving your spouse by cleaning around the house, or doing odd jobs, or giving up your time may not be the easiest thing or your most favorite thing… but that’s how you can love and serve your spouse. In the same way, maybe sex is not something you desire quite as much as your spouse. But that’s one way that you can serve them and express love to them.

Did you know that the Bible actually talks a lot about sex? Let me share one passage that I think is particularly helpful on this subject…

1 Corinthians 7:1-6 (MSG)
“Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband.

Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.”

Another translation says,
“Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

The Bible says, husbands and wives… you NEED to have sex with each other… regularly, because if you don’t that you’ll be tempted. God created us with this desire, it’s a good desire, but it needs to be satisfied within the context of marriage.

I could go on, but I think if you start with those 3 things you’ll be in a good place…

Check your expectations
Communicate
Serve the other person

Lastly, if these things aren’t fixing the problem, you may need to look into counseling. Too often counseling has a negative stigma, but it shouldn’t. It’s good, it’s healthy, and many times… it’s necessary. If you would like to get connected to a counselor in the area, please email us at [email protected] and let us know so we can help connect you.

 

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By: Dan Matlock

Tuesday, November 3, 2015 by Eikon Church